There Are Still Some Men

Just the other day, I was waiting in the car for my son to come out of the shop.  (I can do that now that he's old enough. Alhamdulillah)


Anyway, as I was sitting there I glanced across at the little play area they have outside the Co-op.  They have those noisy, nursery rhyme playing, mechanical rocking horses that toddlers can't seem to get enough of.  I saw a man leaning against the wall carrying a little baby.  He was totally absorbed! He had eyes only for the baby and my heart was suddenly flooded with emotion as he kissed the baby so very tenderly that his eyes closed, and then opening his eyes, he smiled at the baby with so much love. My eyes filled with tears.


Thank you Allah (Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala) for reminding me that there are still some men who know how to love their children. 

2011 is Full of Surprises

This year has started off like a huge sack of unknown things where you don't know what you're going to pull out every time you reach into it.  That guy in Tunis who immolated himself in the town square sure as h*** had no idea that his life-ending action would oust the president of his nation.  When that Egyptian guy decided to call for a demonstration in Tahrir Square via Facebook, he had no inkling that it would change the history of his country and determine a new future for the next generations.  And now Libya!  Life's like that, you never know what will happen next.

Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala says in Surah Luqman Verse 34:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ عِنْدَهُ عِلْمُ السَّاعَةِ وَيُنَزِّلُ الْغَيْثَ وَيَعْلَمُ مَا فِي الْأَرْحَامِ وَمَا تَدْرِي نَفْسٌ مَاذَا تَكْسِبُ غَدًا وَمَا تَدْرِي نَفْسٌ بِأَيِّ أَرْضٍ تَمُوتُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ

Surely Allah is He with Whom is the knowledge of the hour, and He sends down the rain and He knows what is in the wombs; and no one knows what he shall earn on the morrow; and no one knows in what land he shall die; surely Allah is Knowing, Aware.

May Allah strengthen our faith to face whatever comes to us with patience and correctness, amin.

Cradle Me

Sometimes we go through such pain and uncertainty that we feel that our hearts cannot take it anymore, that they will literally burst out of our chests from the pain, the pure injustice caused to us by our fellow beings. You want to cry your eyes out and I often do.  We all go through this, every single one of us. I would like to share with you  that, when I go through such times, I take all those tears, fears and injustices  to Allah and let the tears flow like a river. I just cry with my heart and eyes, (not with a loud voice):

Oh Allah, since you are my Master, and I am your slave,
Since You are My Lord, and I am your servant,
Since You are My Creator, and I am your Creation,
Since You are the Originator of every single thing that exists,
And only You have complete power over all those things,
Since You are Merciful, and I am in need of Your Mercy,
Since You are the Forgiver, and I am forever  in need of Your Forgiveness,
Since You are The Protector, and I am vulnerable,
Please help me,
If I don't come to You, then to whom will I go?
If I don't cry to You, then to whom will I cry?
If I don't hope from You, then from whom will I hope?
If I don't have Your Love then what do I have?
Please My Lord, cradle my heart and soul like a mother cradles her child,
and soothe them,
Cover me with you Infinite Mercy, ease for me this pain and bring me to a better day,
Ameen, ameen, ameen.

Frenemies Forever!

There are friends, there are enemies, and then there are frenemies. 

Frenemy:   A person who pretends to be a friend, whilst all the time demeaning you and trying to destroy or claim for themselves your self esteem, your reputation, your style, your achievements and anything good you may have.

Alhamdulillah, I recently got rid of one. I'll just give you a small example of the type of things she did.  If I bought a pair of shoes, she would say "Are those from Aldo?  I saw them but meh!".  Next time I see her she's bought the exact, same shoes and she would make it a point to inform me smugly "I have those shoes". And she did this also with perfumes, mobile phones, handbags and anything I had.  Wtf!!  I guess she didn't like them enough until she saw them with me!

She told everyone that she and I are exactly the same. NOOOOOOT!! 
I am not an insecure, impolite and selfish human. She was jealous of my friends and would insist on meeting them. I introduced her to my lovely friend "H" who owns a tailoring shop.  She had H's tailor make a few dresses for her, but when H's father was in hospital, she didn't even call H to ask about her father.  When he passed away (Allah rest his soul), she didn't call H to give her condolences.  When she wanted more clothes from H's partner about a month later, she feigned embarassment:  "I'm ashamed I didn't give her condolences on her father's death".  I told her "Well, now's you chance".  Amazingly and disappointingly she still didn't do it even as she bought a pileful of Moroccan jalabiyyahs at an amazing price from H's partner. The words  "thank you" did not even pass from her lips. Later on she told me that she just "didn't feel like it". She wanted to show me that my friend H meant nothing to her solely because she knew how much I love H.

Why did I tolerate her for so long?  Because I am patient and I pick my fights carefully.  So I let all her nasty little comments and deeds go, only because I felt that arguing with a fool makes me a fool too. Sometimes people mistake patience for weakness.

I was waiting for a chance to get her out of my life for a very long time but it was difficult because we are married to brothers. Thankfully, she moved house further away and she made it easy for me to make a full break (I knew she inevitably would) by picking a senseless fight on a day when I had absolutely no patience for her nonsense.

She called me to complain and accuse me and the other brother's wife of being jealous of her new house (really??).  When I told her I prefer to be far from her and I don't want her calling me to gossip about other people, she went berserk, insulted me and said that I was selfish, did not support her in her vendettas against other friends and I am envious of her and everything she has.  So I said, "Oh well!  If  I'm all those things then what do you want with me anyway?" 

It went back and forth for a while.  Oh God! How I hate bad drama! The call ended with a hint of desperation on her part.  She reckoned we have to stick together because everyone was jealous of our friendship (really???) and I shouldn't let them "win" by breaking it up.  It was starting to sound creepy and I knew then that she was out of her mind!  Soon after that she tried to orchestrate a group effort in her campaign to malign me via of all things, Facebook.  (Damn you Mark Zuckenberg!!)  But as of now, the little group seems to have disintegrated. They were probably too jealous of her "beauty and riches". Hehehe!  You have to laugh at the dramatic lunacy of it all!

Patience is Paradise

Allah tells us in Al Quran Verse 39:10 :

"Verily the steadfast and those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure

and will be recompensed in full without count at the Day of Judgment."

And their recompense shall be Paradise, and silken garments, because they were patient.

 Reclining on raised thrones, they will see there neither the excessive heat of the sun, nor the excessive bitter cold, (as in Paradise there is no sun and no moon). The shade will be close upon them, and bunches of fruit will hang low within their reach. Vessels of silver and cups of crystal will be passed around amongst them, crystal-clear, made of silver. They will determine the measure of them according to their wishes. They will be given a cup (of wine) mixed with Zanjabeel, and a fountain called Salsabeel. Around them will (serve) boys of perpetual youth. If you see them, you would think they are scattered pearls. When you look there (in Paradise) you will see a delight (that cannot be imagined), and a Great Dominion. Their garments will be of fine green silk and gold embroidery. They will be adorned with bracelets of silver, and their Lord will give them a pure drink." [76:12-21]

Patience can lead you to Paradise.  It's the hardest thing sometimes, but so worth it in the end.  

Allah has promised the patient ones Paradise without count on The Last Day.  Without count was once explained to me.  The first meaning that came to mind was "without measure", but if you read more and think on it you will soon see a further meaning.  It also means that the patient ones will be forgiven and allowed to enter Jannah without having to stand in front of Allah to have their good and bad deeds recounted to them.  That is huuuge! Can you imagine the fear and shame of standing in front of Our Almighty Creator with all our bad deeds being read to us? So remember, at the culmination of our existence on this earth,  when we are all waiting for our turn to answer for our deeds, Allah will spare the ones who were patient with His Qadr from the fear of facing His Interrogation on The Last Day.

Isn't that hope inspiring?

This is for my sweet daughter who has faced a huge disappointment today.  Remember, we may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control our reaction to it. Keep your head up, sweetie, (and everyone elso out there going through tough times). Allah will not burden you with more than you can bear and this too shall pass...xoxoxo

Portrait of a Strong Woman - A Marriage Breaks Down

Alif Lam M’im. ¤Do the people think that they will be left alone on saying “We believe,”
and that they will not be tested? ¤
We did test those who have gone before them.
Allah has to see who are the truthful and who are the liars.
[Ankaboot, 29:1-3]

 … Those who endure with patience will be rewarded without measure.”

(Innama yuwaffa al-ssabiroona ajrahum bighayri hisabin)

[az-Zumar - 39:10]

A man marries for the first time.  They are deeply in love. Everyone tells them how perfect they are for each other. She has a lovely little girl from a previous marriage and the new couple are soon blessed with a bouncing baby boy. The family is well on it's way to becoming complete. Everything is fine until he decides he is bored and he starts hanging with 'as-shabaab' (friends). That is no excuse but alcohol and women soon follow.  Now he spends more time outside drinking with various women, than he does at home.


His wife hates this, of course, and does her best to get him to stop committing adultery and to come home to his family. 
She doesn't want a broken home.  Instead, she gets insults and beatings for her efforts. She cannot do anything, but pray and wait. She keeps good relations with his family, she thinks they love her because they can see her patience. The truth is they are embarrassed by their son's behaviour so they pretend they can't see. They even try to  blame the wife.  Maybe she doesn't please him?


He wants to do what he wants to do so he marries the other woman so that the accusation of adultery is nullified. He keeps it secret, but everyone knows.  He doesn't care, at least now when he is away from home, they can see that he is with his second "wife". 
Life at home deteriorates alarmingly. All the money is spent entertaining his second wife and her friends, parties, hotel rooms.  No.1 at home has to borrow to put food in her children's mouths.  Husband doesn't care, he is in love, he is busy, his life is exciting. 


After a couple of years of this, he's sent abroad for study.  His mind clears and he realises what he's doing.  He's destroying his family.  When he returns from his course, he has stopped drinking. He tries to make his two marriages work, but really he's leaning towards the first wife.  Without the drinking, he has nothing in common with second one. No.1 has the values that he likes to see in a wife. 


The second wife senses that she is soon to be dumped and she feigns an interest in Islam and becomes an abaya and hijab wearer.  It doesn't work, the man has made a decision, but not before putting his first wife through hell.  He divorces No.2 and continues life the same as it never was with wife No.1 and kids. But she is damaged.  She serves him, and takes care of her home better than ever, but she is broken and insecure. Nothing pleases him, he is so easily bored.  That is how they bring them up over here.

A couple of years later, he's at it again.  Drinking with a different woman every night.  Next thing you know, he marries another one of them.  He spends every weekend with the new No. 2 wife.  Wife No.1 is for weekdays, cooking and cleaning, washing his clothes in preparation for his weekends with No.2.  That's when his real party life begins. 


No.1 would have left by now, but she has nowhere to go.  If she initiates divorce she'll have to pay rent for herself and her two kids, she is not a local, she has no claims, no rights, no income, but she has her education.  He tells her "If you don't like it, you know where the door is, noone's stopping you."

Again, his second marriage disintegrates, how can you base a marriage on someone else's pain?  He returns to his first wife one weekend at 3 am.  "You win", he says.  "What did I win? The booby prize?" she thinks to herself. But she exercises patience.  She is very, very strong. But silently so. Allah knows what she is suffering and only Allah can help her.


The husband does not stop drinking or going out every night.  His finances are not good so he tries to bring alcohol into the house. He cannot afford to pay for hotel alcohol.  His wife is firm.  "No!".  She doesn't want her kids to be exposed to this seediness. He doesn't care about them.  He never wanted any children anyway. He fights her, insults her like a spoilt child. He doesn't have enough money to pay for his hotel trysts, so he steals his wife's only piece of gold and sells it to pay for a hotel room to sleep with a prostitute. His wife and he are no longer sharing a bed.  She's afraid he might give her a disease. She's sleeping in her children's room on the thinnest of mattresses, he never spends on the home, everything needs repair. He tries to sneak in a prostitute into his room, No.1 catches him and he smashes the door against her face, the blood pours down.  The prostitute runs down the stairs, clutching her clothes.


The kids are terrified. There have been too many nights like this. They are crying as they hold on to each other. No.1 calls the police at 3 am. She has to go to the hospital before she can make a police report.  They cannot drive her there, she has to find her own way there and back, at 3 am. The police tell her she can take him to court and ask for a divorce on grounds of abuse.  "Then what would happen to me, and my babies?" she asks.  "You will have to find your own house, he is not obligated to provide you with a house, you are not a local, you are not the governments burden".  She doesn't want to file a criminal case against her son's father. 


She goes home, silent.  The best she can do is get him to sign a promise that he would not beat her again.  He has signed that worthless piece of paper four different times, it does not deter him.  Every night she prays, "Oh Allah! If this man is good for me, my deen and my children, please help him change and keep him with us.  If he is not for us yaa Allah please, remove him from us in a peaceful manner".


He starts spending less and less time at home.  He has found another woman who likes to do what he likes to do.  They are in "luurve".  He does not hide it.  He displays their love letters and cards on the bedside table. He wants to hurt his first wife.  Why? The new mistress calls him while he is watching TV at home.  He calls her "baby" and "honey" in front of his child. He can't wait to be with her.  He starts spending nights with her. She has children from a previous marriage. He only sleeps at his first home when he's had a fight with the new love.  But he pretends he's living with "a friend".  Why when No.1 has already seen the love letters and messages?  Only he can explain the logic behind his actions.  As soon as they make up by telephone, off he goes.  


Soon he doesn't come to his home any more except to wash his clothes.  No.1 thinks "Doesn't she do laundry?" No. 1 went on strike a long time ago. She refuses to wash or cook for him.  He can go to hell. She is not his slave, never was.  He doesn't care about his child. He moves out gradually, all the doors in the house are broken, he did that during his late night drunken fests. The furniture is beat up, the kids clothes are worn out.  No. 1 is a dignified woman, she comes from royalty back home. She has been taught to never ask for anything, to rely on herself. Her parents have educated her. Now she has to work to make ends meet, to improve her children's lives. But how to start? She hasn't worked in so long. 


Her husband marries for the third time since he married her.  It seems he hates women but he can't stop marrying.  He thinks it's a secret, but everyone knows.  Sometimes when he is in a benevolent mood, he lets No.1 use the car on weekends to run errands, grocery shopping etc.  He asks her to drop him at his "friend's house" and take the car.  She sees a red haired little boy swinging on the gate of his "friend's house".  "That's her kid, poor thing!", she thinks.  He marries the divorcee, she has four children with her local ex. "She needs a man. She cannot be alone," he justifies later, not remembering that he's leaving No.1 alone, and has been doing so throughout their marriage.


No.1 is hurting, how much rejection can one woman take?  But she remembers her prayer to Allah: "Oh Allah! If this man is good for me, my deen and my children, please help him change and keep him with us.  If he is not for us yaa Allah please, remove him from us in a peaceful manner".  


Slowly No.1 starts to recover her self esteem.  She manages to convince him to renew her visa.  Alhamdulillah, she starts working.  She's earning peanuts but she refurbishes the entire house. New everything.  Now nothing reminds her of those miserable days when he was there.  His work still pays for the house rent yet he gives her barely enough money for food. He doesn't give her money to buy clothes or shoes, books or school bags, and all the other stuff that people need.   He has made up his mind, that's the maximum he will do for her and his child.  A roof over their heads and food.  Just like animals.  But even animals need petting.  


She has the patience of Ayoub (Job).  She is alone, but she has so many friends and family who love her and care for her (including me, much respect, dear friend. You are amazing!).  He has a wife and all those stepchildren, his family and so many people around him, yet he is alone.  Alone, alone, alone.  Nothing around him is real.  He has lost the only real thing he ever had in his life. He does not divorce No.1, neither is he a husband to her.  That's where it is now.
What happens next?  I don't know, but good things come to those who wait.


Watch this space...


Sorry this is so long but there's no other way to tell this story.